July 4th, 2019

Might delete this later.

The opinions expressed on this blog are my own personal opinions. Anything written here is not the position of the NSL-Y Program, American Councils, nor the Department of State.

Today is the fourth of July (i.e. Independence Day) in America, and I have a lot of feelings. My relationship with the 4^th has always been weird. The more I learn of US history and the more I see the history we are making today the more I feel like I don’t want any part in this celebration of American identity and the more I feel ashamed of my status as an American. Yet here all I am seen as is an American. My role as I have been reminded multiple times is that of a “citizen ambassador.” I am here on American tax dollars through the support of the Education and Cultural Affairs branch of the United States State Department. I am very bit a part of the larger mission of furthering American interests abroad. In all of our orientations and meetings we are reminded that our interactions have the possibility of shifting positive attitudes towards the United States. I don’t know how I feel about this. Should I be supporting those interests? But I am two weeks in, so it’s not like I can change anything now, just make the most of my experience.

Everybody on my trip is also making a pretty big deal out of the 4^th, which is probably just because we are homesick and miss anything American. But these feelings of patriotism definitely feel amplified. In the past I haven’t even very really celebrated the 4^th of July in years. From age 9-14 I was at sleep-away camp where there weren’t any fireworks, but they did go all out on bunting. When I was there I always took issue with how crazy patriotic with it they would be. Last summer (when I was 15), I was involved with a social justice leadership program that had shared my inhibitions about celebrating the 4^th of July. In all instances I don’t think my experience of the 4^th is typical. Today it certainly won’t be either. How should I feel about being an American representing my country celebrating our history? What is there to celebrate? I like the day off class just like everyone else but in the name of what? Patriotism? Nationalism? In this climate of growing nationalism we must be mindful of how we express our pride in our nationality and what that means.

A couple of days ago (Sunday I think), we met with some FLEX alumni. FLEX is a program that sends high-school students from post-soviet countries to the United States to live with host families and attend high school there for a year. These students had just returned a few weeks ago from their year in America. Both of them would not stop talking about how much they loved it and wanted to go back. One spoke of her love of John Denver and she would give anything to go back. For her, America was something to be loved and to be proud of. For me, I see a different part of America, an America that causes me uncertainty and shame, an America where my future is unclear.

Anyway, today we went to Varzob (no school!), which was outside of the city among these beautiful rugged hills (mountains maybe) and down next to this river. There we swam and ate lunch by the river. Everybody was in generally high spirits. Spirits were further raised when we were informed that we would be able to go to the Fourth of July party at the American embassy. We had been told we could go earlier, but then told we couldn’t, but now we could. Bureaucracy is confusing like that. I was late to the bus as well since my host mom was showing me how to use the key, so I started the evening off on the wrong foot.

We drove maybe twenty minutes to the embassy, which was a compound on the outskirts of the city. We had to go through security, but once we were in it felt very much like the US. There was a pool, but it was chlorinated, had depth markers, and had lane dividers (unlike the Tajik pool we visited earlier). There was red, white, and blue bunting everywhere along with a lot of flags. I saw no less than three pairs of American flag swim trunks (not including the pair that another NSLI-Y student brought). I saw the ambassador (but didn’t talk to him), along with a lot of American Councils folks, including CLS students. They had cook out food (read: hot dogs, burgers, corn, and of course watermelon). There were moments where it felt like I could be at any community barbeque in the US. There was a wide diversity of folks there including a lot of little kids. It was organized with the American Employee Association, so I guess that isn’t that surprising.

I got to talk to a man from the Air force who worked in security relations or something. There also a bunch of marines hanging around, including one who DJ-ing. Marines provide security for the embassy, but they were off-duty. There was music and at a certain point in the night a lot of NSLI-Y students started dancing. It reminded me a lot of prom (the only school dance I have to compare it to), but there were a lot less people. Soon some CLS student joined in. The atmosphere was very energized and happy. Everybody got really into the dancing, even our Local Coordinator. It was a fun environment to be in. On the bus back to our neighbor, all the students were singing pop songs at the top of their lungs. It was fun, but I felt made for the vans and buses that pulled up beside us. You could see their confused facial expressions. Happy Independence Day, everyone! I guess.

 (US Embassy, we were told we could take pictures, but not use Wifi once inside and definitely no taking pictures of the outside)